Relationship status: ‘Uncommitted’

 I have just come out of a couple of relationships and am on the verge of exiting one more. The first was with somebody that I had held as a very close friend for a very, very long time. I did what would today be called ‘quiet quitting’, but in the realm of social relationships, following their lead. I decided that I would do the minimum necessary to be continued to be seen as their friend, which, in the current situation, is doing nothing at all. The second was with an employer from whom I had started to feel distanced for quite some time.

The third case, the one that I’m about to end, is perhaps the most nuanced because the relationship in question is not with a person or an entity but with an idea that I’ve held about somebody that was close to me. I’ve realised that, in my head, I had a very expansive vision for the potential of the relationship with them. And that potential is not about to be fulfilled. And, so, I must do what it takes to call it like it is. This idea just isn’t what I had made it out to be. So, I must not entertain it. This idea and me, we are not working well as a team anymore.

When do you know that a relationship has ended? There are several signs that pop up early, but a specific few signal the final nail in the coffin.

It usually starts with the sudden onset of forgetfulness - ‘I forgot we were to meet that day!’ ‘I forgot that it was your birthday/ anniversary/ performance!’ ‘I forgot that you were leaving then!’ ‘I forgot to ask if you are available.’ So many events and occasions are ‘forgotten’ that you wonder how this person functions through a regular day!

Then comes the phase ruled by the mighty calendar with which no one can mess around. ‘I’d have loved to meet that morning but a relative is visiting in the evening.’ ‘I really wanted to be there but the kids have a sports class that day.’ ‘I would have made it but I finally got a haircut appointment with my favourite stylist after ages!’ ‘I would have come but I have a new boss and they have a scheduled a team meeting that Sat morning to be prepped for the next week.’ You start to realise how this person has a whole (new) set of priorities and you are not anywhere in the top hundred.

After this, but sometimes earlier or later too, you start to notice the faint but distinct tone of formality and perfunctoriness in conversations, almost all of which are likely to be initiated by you. Brief, often monosyllabic, responses to queries/ questions/ remarks you might make, with little information being volunteered, and almost no interest in/ reciprocation by way of asking after your wellbeing.

Once this has gone on for long, you might feel the need to confront the person and ask what’s going on. But here is where you are in for what should be completely expected but could still strike you as unusual. In its mild form, it could be efforts to delay a response, but at its height, it is radio silence! A complete breakdown of communication despite every conceivable channel and technology being available. A refusal to be in a situation where they have audience with you and might find themselves in a spot. This really is the precursor of the end.

The end is really only about going through the motions then. A clinical, often generic note, delivered in a tone and language bereft not just of feeling, but also of logic. One-way communication with no pretence of any effort to save the relationship or even seek a response.

It has been hard to let go when I’ve invested so much time, effort and emotion in each of these relationships, whether I’ve been at the giving or receiving end. But for each relationship that I’ve signed out of, I’m so grateful for the many more that I’m still a part of! And each time someone gives me any feedback, especially the critical type, I feel fortunate that they care enough to let me know… to help me become a better person. I deeply value that commitment.